Wednesday, May 4, 2011

When the Summer Turned Bleak, Dark And Slow

It's a warm and sunny Sunday in July. It was either late afternoon or early evening. I am obsessed with Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek. Mama and I chat like always, nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day. The conversation ends with "I love you!". I always meant it deep down too. Time to relax, drink red wine and sing along with Imogen Heap. I lay back on my bed singing to Hide and Seek with the wine glass in my hand. I had been working out a lot at that point and was probably in the best shape I had ever been, that changed.

With a slight alcohol influence I went to bed after sundown. I didn't sleep well at all. It was about 1:00 a.m. when I awoke. Wide awake like I had been startled or shook. For the rest of the night I was tossing, turning, getting up, just very uneasy.

I go to work, exhausted, slightly grumpy from my so-called-sleep. I am attempting to do my job but frankly I was suffering from compassion fatigue combined with work frustrations. I had been trying my best to leave my phone in my purse in treatment and not in my pocket, per the rile. I wandered back to send a lengthy fax so I checked my phone. My brother had called a few times and sent a couple texts. However, the messages were vague. So I started the fax and called my brother from the clinic phone, uncertain of whats going on.

Though I never once thought what I was about to hear would be why he called. He asked me where I was and if I could get to Kent. I told him.I was working and I couldn't get to Kent followed up with a why? I'm sure a deep sigh was given before he told me that Mom died. The words out of my mouth were "Are you KIDDING me?" instant response. Reflecting back on it, who would kid about that? Regardless John replied with that response of I wouldn't joke about that.

Everything at this point is starting blur. I remember saying "Yeah, I will find a way, I'll be there" then the phone clicking. I hung up the phone, my knees gave out and I buckled to the floor sobbing. The only way I could speak and be understood was to practically yell. Lizzie and Katie tossed back and forth about who would drive me to Kent. Katie was the one who did. We stopped by my place and I dropped off Quinn assuming Heather would be there but she wasn't. The trip to Kent is a blur of phone calls, texts, crying, giving directions, etc.

By the point I had gotten to Mom and Jay's apartment Mom had already been taken away. Part of me wishes I could have held her hand to say good bye; however, part of me is very glad I didn't have that image to place in my mind of her.

The last time I physically saw her was shortly after Mother's Day, so in May. She came over to get her Mother's Day presents which made her laugh and happy. She told me how much she loved me and how much I didn't need to do this or spend that much money on her. I vividly remember her walking away to her car after I hugged her and told her I loved her and I would talk to her soon. I told her to let me know she made it home safe. That evening she texted me to let me know.

She died, unexpectedly in her sleep, Sunday July 11th in the night. This is the worst thing I have ever encountered, next to dealing with my RA. Everything in me shattered... it's still partially shattered. Just writing this out makes me cry. I was so angry with the world, and God for taking my best friend in the entire world away. My friends, coworkers, relatives, etc comforted me but I just wanted her back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

I still want to wake up. I dream about her constantly. At first it was like I couldn't see her. Then I had a dream where she sat down next to me and told me everything I needed to hear. Now the dreams are more interactive, which is a blessing and a curse. So much has happened since she passed and I want to call her to tell her about such and such or find out how to deal with something or cook something. I want to hear her laugh and her say "Kiddo". There are times where I realize this is a "mom moment" where I would call and see her perspective. Mind you, I know her perspective on a ton of things but she always had something that would open my eyes. I enjoy seeing other perspectives and hers was one of my favorites.

I am 100% convinced this pain will never go away or get easier, I will just understand it more and more as I feel it. There will be further posts in regards to my Mama. But at the moment I am too caught up in the grief to say much more. I love her and will always love her. My heart bleeds for the day I can see her, hug her, and talk to her again. That will be my heaven.
I will often quote her and reference her in future posts.
*Picture shown is at John and Jamie's Wedding April, 2010

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